Chapter Nine: BACK ON THIS HORSE.

Three months is a long time to go without writing anything on your blog.  I realize this.  Had you forgotten about me yet?  I have no good excuse for my hiatus, except that sometimes I feel uninteresting and as if I have nothing to say. 

A lot can happen to a person in three months, so let me catch you up on the most important things that have happened to me:

1)  I discovered The Rumpus and Suri's Burn Book and have wasted at least 10 to 15 hours per week reading them at work.  The Rumpus has an especially hilarious column titled Ted Wilson Reviews The World, and I signed up for their Letters in the Mail thing, which is pretty cool and gives me something to look forward to in the mailbox besides Harris Teeter coupon books and my neighbor's AT&T bills and Cigna notifications.  (Change your address already!  It's been 9 months!) To be fair, I also truly look forward to letters from my real live pen pal, Laura, and so here is #2:

2) I got a real live pen pal named Laura.  She and I were very good friends through middle school and high school, and now she lives in Portland and has beautiful stationery.  I'm going to be in her wedding in April, for which I purchased this beautiful dress that I will admire in my closet for the next nine months while hoping I don't gain any weight.

3)  I succumbed to LinkedIn.  Don't judge me.

4) I got this book two days ago and have nearly finished it.  I recommend it to everyone:

5) I got an offer to teach one section of Freshman Comp at Belmont University in the fall!  I'll be back in the classroom once more, educating the wide-eyed youth of America!!!! 

Which brings me to my next point: I am starting to get all panicky and nervous inside because, when I think about it, I really haven't got the slightest clue about educating the wide-eyed youth of America.  I mean, sure I did it in grad school, but I think I kind of sucked at it, and plus: what do I know?  Just in general, in life, what do I really even know.  I'm still stuck in a job I don't like, and I waste most of my life on the internet!

Poor youth.  They don't even know what's coming.

6)  I'm cultivating a budding obsession with Zelda Fitzgerald, because she was from Alabama, and, from all I've heard, totally nuts.  Fascinating.

7)  Last: Since this blog is supposed to be about my writing, I should update you on that.  I've been working on a series of inter-related vignettes that I'd like to string together into an essay centered around the theme of falling/falling out.  Most of the stories take place in the year after I graduated from college and found myself living back at home with my parents and totally clueless about how to turn myself into an adult.  (Which is remarkably similar to my current state of affairs, except now I live in a buggy apartment in Nashville with a phantom odor of sulfur and/or brimstone in the bathroom.  [Friends, do not let this deter you from visiting me!!!!!]) 

That's all for now.  I'll try not to be silent for 3 months again, but I can't make any promises.  The tiles of my bathroom floor could open up any day now and swallow me down into hell.  (Or I could call Roto-Rooter to clean out the drains, which seems like it might take care of the problem.)

Chapter Eight: Yes We Do, Jackie?, or Exactly How Much Has My Father Told You About Me?

I'm sorry to say the last several weeks have not had me writing very much, but with a little boost from my sister in the form of Jack Hart's Story Craft as a birthday gift, I'm hoping to get back on track.  I've been collecting essay ideas in a folded-up manilla envelope that I keep in my purse at all times, so that's something.


There's also something else that I want to show you, that you may already know about, that may or may not ruin all of my dreams and aspirations.  It's this:

Trailer: One Final Push

Lena Dunham has created a show for HBO called "Girls."  Here is a brief description from the website: "a comic look at the assorted humiliations and rare triumphs of a group of girls in their early 20s." 


Here is what it really is: exactly what I wanted to do.  "If nothing else, I'm hoping to get out there what it's like to be 25 years old in 2012 -- a young, educated person who has no idea what to do with her life to make it match her expectations."  That was me, in my first post.  Remember? 


It also seems to have a metanarrative element in that, around 1:01 of that clip, she explains calmly to her skeptical parents that she thinks she may be "the voice of [her] generation. Or at least, a voice of a generation."  And here she is, being the voice of her/our generation, all self-depricating and hilarious. 


Thanks a lot, Lena Dunham, for stealing my idea and doing it a lot better than I could have.

Future. Ruined.

Actually, though, I can't wait to watch it.  I'm interested to see how her interpretation of being a 20-something, Britney-esque not-girl/not-woman in the post-recession era is similar to/different from mine.  I can't afford HBO, so I'm hoping I can watch it on the internet at work, maximizing an important-looking spreadsheet over the screen whenever anyone walks by my cubicle. 

Because that's what I've become at work: a paranoid couch potato in business slacks.  Have I mentioned I'm looking for new jobs?

In other news, I had a real life "final push" scenario of my very own yesterday.  In a very business-like e-mail from my father, I was informed that it is time for me to transfer my car insurance and car title to my name.  Not two minutes after reading and absorbing this information, I got a call on my cell phone from Jackie at Travelers. 

"I hear ya have some hail damage," she says.

Me: "Yes....."

"Well what I'm gonna do is set up an appointment for an adjuster to come out and take a look to assess your losses.  Can I get your business address?"

Sure, Jackie.  Let's do this.  I was pretty content to just live with a hundred little pings in the body of my car to avoid grown-up situations like appointments with insurance claims adjusters, but whatever. 

Jackie informs me that she needs to call my dad to attain permission for me to handle this claim, since he is listed as the policy holder on the account.

"Go ahead," I say.  I'm honestly just ready to get back to watching The Daily Show on my computer.

Jackie calls back five minutes later, all giggles and midwestern accent.

"Okay, got that taken care of for ya," she says.

Me: "Great."

Jackie: "Any questions?"

Me: "Yeah.  Is there a deadline for how long I have to get this done?"

Jackie, laughing: "Oh, no.  You just set up an appointment when the adjuster calls you, then I'll follow up and we can talk about where I should send the check."

Me: "Great."

Jackie, still laughing: "It's okay, ma'am.  Everybody has to grow up sometime."

Me, silent in my head: WHAT?

And that's the story of how I was judged by an insurance claims specialist yesterday. 

Chapter Seven: I Know, I Know.

I realize it's been a while since my last post.  I'm sure it seems pretty anticlimactic to all of my adoring fans, seeing as Chapter Six was full of passion and motivation and 'motherfucking's. 

The thing is, I've decided something, and I wasn't sure how to break it to you.  What I've decided is... I'm not so great at fiction, and I'd rather be writing essays.  Like this guy:

Seriously. If Ron I. Jones storyteller can do it, I can do it, right?

I hope you're not upset with me.  It's just that I've grown, and I've learned some things about myself, and I don't think we're a great match anymore.... me and the novel.  We can still be friends, though!  Like, catching-up-over-frozen-yogurt-once-a-month friends.

Okay, so here's the most awkward part.  I hate to tell you like this, but I wanted you to hear it from me first.  How do I say this?  Here goes:

I've actually already started writing essays... That's why I've been so distant lately.  I'm sorry.  It's not you, it's me.

I think we should see this as a good thing that I'm figuring this out now. Trust me, you wouldn't want to read a novel by me. I barely want to read it, and that's not a great way for an AUTHOR to feel about his/her work, right? 

The theme of the work is still the same.  The essay I'm currently working on begins on the morning of college graduation, when we were all hung over from overindulging in the green tequila slush put out by the industrial-sized margarita machine at my parents' the night before.  (Or was that just me?)

So yeah.  I've moved on to creative nonfiction.  It's much more my style, and the novel was barely-fictionalized nonfiction anyway.  It's better this way.

In other news, I have found someone else on the internet who understands the current quarter-life crisis facing most of us.  In case you don't want to read the whole article, here's the best part:

Every adult I know--or at least the ones who are depressed--continually suffers from something like sticker shock (that is, when you go shopping for something for the first time and are shocked to find it costs way, way more than you thought). Only it's with effort. It's Effort Shock.

We have a vague idea in our head of the "price" of certain accomplishments, how difficult it should be to get a degree, or succeed at a job, or stay in shape, or raise a kid, or build a house. And that vague idea is almost always catastrophically wrong.


Read more: How 'The Karate Kid' Ruined The Modern World | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_18544_how-the-karate-kid-ruined-modern-world.html#ixzz1oM3j7n91

There's also a rant against movie montages, for those of you who feel so inclined.

Well, there it is.  I'm moving on.  I've even changed the subtitle of the blog, as my diehard fans have surely noticed.  The novel isn't dead, it's just not the primary focus anymore.  Now go ahead and think I'm a quitter.  Whatever.

Chapter Six: Going Crazier, Or: When Tears Attack, Or: A Motherfucking Declaration of Intent.

So let's talk about yesterday.  Tuesday.  It was nice out -- we had a high somewhere in the mid 60's in Nashville.  (Incidentally, do you know how hard it is to find the specifics of yesterday's weather online anywhere?  Weather is a very present-to-future-oriented industry -- OPPOSITE of writing.)  Anyway: yesterday, I had yogurt for breakfast, a turkey sandwich for lunch, and an uncontrollable crying fit in my cubicle around 1:00.

I still don't really know how or why this happened to me.  I say it happened to me because I feel like I had no agency in the situation at all.  Around 12:55, a coworker came into my cubicle to tell me she wanted me to do a few things differently.  Her tone was firm -- not overly harsh -- and before she left, she said, "So we're on the same page, right?"  I nodded, she left, and almost immediately I was fighting off a tears-and-snot attack.

There are some cries take a contorted screwing-up of the face to produce any moisture.  This one was the opposite.  It was the kind of crying where I wasn't even trying -- I just sat there, wide-eyed and dazed in my cubicle, blinking hot tears that rolled off my chin and produced splots on my poised legal pad without any evocation or even permission on my part.  It was a full-on cry assault, and I had no idea why.

It soon came to my attention that the soft rock radio station constantly streaming at a higher-than-polite volume from my coworker's cubicle was not quite loud enough to cover the sound of inexplicable office weeping.  When I realized this, I fled to the parking garage to call my sister from my car.

The first thing she asked: "Are you pregnant?"

"No!  Jesus."  Like I needed that to worry about in the midst of my evident nervous breakdown.*

After twenty minutes in which I continued to sob into the phone while blasting air conditioner in my face, she convinced me that I could not cower to the refuge of my bed, which was my solution.

At her insistence, I resolved to go back in and act like a grown-up; however, this resolution was made more complicated by the fact that my face does not act like a normal face when I cry.  In case anyone is not tipped off to my emotional state by all of the tears, when I cry my face decides to alert all humans of my despair by getting uncommonly swollen, puffy, and red, especially around the eyes, lips, and nose.  (Once when I was in fourth grade, I retreated to a bathroom stall to cry over who-knows-what, then emerged only to have a shocked ten-year-old go, "Whoa."  My crying face is truly an impressive sight.)  

Around 1:35, I skulked back to my cubicle, pretending to be very deeply involved in my cell phone so no one could make eye contact.  I eventually found emotional homeostasis again, but I was nevertheless confused about the cause of the attack.  Still am, really.  The best I can tell (and this is following extensive and insightful counseling via cell phone from the dear Stephanie Lenning): I pretty much just hate my job.  Like, a lot more than I'm letting myself believe.

"So what do you really want to do?" Stephanie asked me.

(Make way for the motherfucking declaration.  Are you paying attention?)  When I'm being honest with myself, I know. FOR A FACT. that what I want to do with my life is WRITE.  Not as in filling in names and addresses for the same thank-you notes to rich people every week.  As in being a full-on, professional, motherfucking AUTHOR.  Not just with a capital "A," but with ALL MOTHERFUCKING CAPS.  I used to be embarrassed to admit that.  I don't think I ever admitted it before now, actually.  I know this is because I thought that if I told anyone, I'd just end up looking like a failure when it didn't happen.  I'd regret being so bold in my declarations.  I still think that, really, so if you're reading this, it's because I decided to be brave and not delete it. 

I don't pretend to think this quarter-life-crisis novel is going to make the AUTHOR thing happen -- that project is mainly one big therapy session.  But it is also a beginning, and that's something and not nothing.  Why is it not nothing, you ask?  For that I refer you to my friend Ira:

THANK YOU.  Crying fits be damned.  I am DOING this. 

Late addition: I bought this mug yesterday and it made me think of this post.  It makes me feel better about my gratuitous use of "motherfucker" and its variations. 

*Note: my sister actually helped calm me down a lot during all of the crying.  I just chose the "Are you pregnant" moment to write about because I'm extremely hyperbolic sometimes.  That doesn't mean I'm a straight-up liar, though -- it really was one of the first things she asked me.  I just felt I should clarify this point because my sister is really very supportive always, and especially when I'm crying in a parking deck.  Plus, she's one of the only people who reads this thing, so I'd rather not piss her off.  In short: Love you, Sister!  Thanks for yesterday!

Chapter Five: An End to the Procrastination Vacation

Well it's been a week since my last post, and to my delight people have actually been asking when I'd be back!  You know who you are.  Thank you for that.  When it comes to writing, I really am a whore for encouragement.

As you might imagine, even my non-work on this project has re-confirmed something I already knew about myself: I like to procrastinate.  Really, I shouldn't say I "like to" do it -- in reality it's a period of intense internal struggle with myself that goes something like this:

Me: You've been reading articles about Whitney Houston (rest in peace) for two hours.  You should maybe, um, write instead?
Me: But I don't really know what to say.  This is good for me.  Sometimes writers need breaks, right? 
Me: Okay, but you've only been at this for like a week, so.... maybe not break time yet?
Me: No it's cool.  Writers do this.  I'm more of a writer for not writing.  I'm getting really good.

And so on until I start giving myself the cold shoulder:

Me: You know, you had a really good thing going and you've screwed it up again. 
Me: GAH!  Why are you always on my BACK about things?  I'll get to it!
Me: When?  When will you get to it?  Before or after checking your bank account for the sixth time today?  Do you consider all of that facebooking "research"?  And for God's sake, stop updating your timesheet!  This is getting ridiculous!

Self lesson #2: I'm bad about getting really into things and then getting so proud of myself for getting really into them that I let myself get really out of them. 

Example: exercise.  If I, say, take a brisk 45-minute walk one day, I will feel spectacular.  I will feel like it is very evident in the mirror that I have lost at least five pounds.  I am a champion of being in shape and I can obviously do anything I want to in life, ever. 

Then the next day will happen.  I'll remember that great endorphin high from the day before and say -- yeah! I walked 45 minutes yesteday!  I'm AMAZING!  I've done my part for fitness and am in excellent shape again, so today I can watch Seinfeld and eat cheese after work instead of getting out in the cold again.  As long as I walk again tomorrow, I'll keep up this incredible pattern of awesomeness that I started yesterday. 

And then the day after that happens, and I'm more tired and distant from that endorphin high, because it's now been two days and approximately 16 hours of desk-sitting.  Comfort me, Tina Fey!  I blame Comedy Central for sabotaging my fitness routine by airing two episodes of 30 Rock at 6 and 6:30.  Give me a BREAK! 

So ends the exercise.

And so it goes with writing.  But I am here to tell you it ENDS TODAY.  I have written more novel and I am blogging like a champ.  Right?  RIGHT?

On a more serious note, I have come to another important conclusion about myself and it is this: I would make a much better personal essayist than novelist.  I've known this, but I've been in denial.  Rescue me, Sedaris!

I fell in love with the personal essay way back in Fred Ashe's intermediate writing class at BSC, when Jonathan Franzen's "Caught" inspired me to write my own tale of adolescent mischief.  It flowed easily -- I think I met the five-page minimum in under 45 minutes -- and I laughed along at the memories while my fingers could barely keep up.  It felt GREAT.  I got a 96.

I've recently started reading Sloane Crosley at the suggestion of a friend (again, you know who you are -- thank you) and her work has reminded me that I want to be doing that.

Slight problem: I have no idea what to write about.  I have stories, right?  About things that have happened to me?  Things have happened to me, right?  What are they?  Seriously, I'm asking.  I need suggestions.

In the meantime, I'm making myself finish what I've started.  I'm considering letting the project implode into a melodramatic mess, though, just for the fun of it.  I'm thinking someone will get tied to some train tracks at some point, and maybe I'll insert some "ghosts," just to have them turn out to be criminals trying to scare those meddling kids away from their trove of stolen treasure? 

Yes, exactly.  I'm considering turning this into a cross between Rocky & Bullwinkle and Scooby Doo.

Chapter Four: Here it comes.

By a fortunate turn of events, I have reached my goal of finishing the first chapter by the end of the week, and it's not even the end of the week!  Congratulate me!  I've made my way -- or Allie has made her way, I should say -- to the dread Nana Funk's for post-reception drinks.  It wasn't her choice.

This brings me to another point: I'm having a hard time thinking of names to change everything to.  Although this story isn't true, a lot of the places and people are real.  Some name changes come easily, but some are just really impossible.  Like Nana Funk's.  It seems like I'm running into this situation pretty frequently, and I keep telling myself I can go back and change these things later, so I guess that's what I'll do.  Now that I think about it, coming up with an appropriate name for the sweatiest, grindiest place in Birmingham might actually be kind of fun.

I've solved my male character problem, by the way, so you can all sleep again!  I've pretty much lumped together 3 to 4 guys that I've been friends with over the years into one big guy-friend amalgamation called Sam.  He's pretty awesome, and Allie is about to break his heart kind of.  Shit's about to get real awkward.

Short post today.  Maybe more to come later.

Chapter Three: Come on, just write something.

Well.  Yesterday actually proved to be a busy day at work (don't worry -- it's only because I did all of my tasks for the week) and this morning, I had the pleasure of sitting through a 2-hour Microsoft Excel workshop!  While we were supposed to be learning how to manage our workbook windows, I was busy doing this:

The instructor never should have gone over all of the various ways to make your formatting inappropriate for the workplace.  I obviously got a little carried away and there was no turning back.  Seeing as there were only two people in the class, it was also pretty difficult to make it seem like I was still following him -- lots of vacant head nodding.  I am proud to say he only caught me laughing once.

On the novel front, I lost a lot of momentum after taking a break for the weekend.  I also hit a wall, and this is what was written on it: Anna, you have no idea how to write male characters.  I fell into a slump when I realized this yesterday.  Allie had finally left the wedding and was riding to the reception with her "best guy friend," and I sat and stared at the computer when trying to come up with dialogue for the two of them.  It made me think.  Do I have any guy friends?  I know I used to, but somehow we seem to have drifted apart.  Also, I'm not sure any of those friendships were completely free of sexual tension -- even if nothing was acted upon.  Was Harry right?  Can men and women not really be friends? 

Anyway, I feel like it's pretty much inevitable that something is going to happen between Allie and her friend after this wedding reception, even though I didn't start out with that intention.  It seems plots really do write themselves sometimes.  The wisdom of the internet* rings true once more!

To avoid losing momentum again, I've set a goal.  Are you ready?  Here it is:

I will finish chapter one by the end of this week.  I WILL.

Wish me luck. 

 

*and Alison "Fancy" Kirkham.